Hi Dad

Hi Dad, Has it really been hard to pick up the phone and call your daughter? I still exist. The only reason I'm not calling is because I don't believe you care anymore. If you care you would've called after two weeks. It's almost been four months. Since you don't care so much I might as well tell you here, who knows you might never read it. My grades are low (i was too busy thinking about the fact u haven't called me) I took the SAT on March 13th, got a decent score. I got my drivers license on March 18th. Went on my shabbaton for 4 days on March 31. I went to Las Vegas for 2 weeks for spring break. I got really sick in Vegas but still worked. The arts festival was on May 17 and my work was displayed. I just had my Dance concert on May 19th. I have PROM this thursday May 26th, I have a date. Then I have finals and my last day of school is Tuesday June 7th. So just in case you were curious (you must not have been too curious since you haven't called), this is everything that has been going on. If you call I will pick up, otherwise I am not calling until school is over. It's really sad to know that your own dad doesn't care enough to pick up that phone just to say hello. I'm crying writing this because I don't think you understand how much it hurts me that I don't even exist to you. Call me if you desire, Veronica P.S. Kiss Justin for me

I Miss You

I miss the way you used to hold me, the way you used to treat me.
I miss the excitement and anticipation for when you came home.
I ended things but now I want to start them.
There's still a place for you, hopefully one day you can fill it.

I keep re-reading your letter and I realize that no one has ever treated me like you did.
You made me feel beautiful, I had a purpose.

Thank you for being in my life,
I miss you

Bad

This definitly marks a bad night. I've been driving all weekend long and today as well. I went to yoga with my mom's boyfriend and came out of the class relaxed and calm. I get back into the car and drive just as I have been for the past few days.

As we pull in to the garage my moms boyfriend says, "your mom asked if we got into any fights while she was away"

I continued to drive in attempting to park from the first shot. He yells and tells me to do it in three steps. I accidentally let go of the brake and hit a pole. Well that started the ultimate fight, he yelled and yelled.

Isn't it called an accident because it wasn't done on purpose. I had no intention of doing that nor was I trying to ignore what he said about three steps. I was just trying to park. Now I'm either getting the silent treatment or the yelling treatment.

Somebody do me a favor and kill me now.

Progress

Why do we have to be notified of our failiure, as if I didn't know already.
Grades are slipping no matter what I do, the ooze out of my hands like a wet bar of soap. Its almost like its happening to me on purpose. What did I do wrong...besides not doing my work.  I feel as if time is going by so fast and I'm chasing it around. It won't slow down, but I keep stopping to breathe along the way. I need breathing room, I want my air.

There is so much pressure on me. I just want to breathe, that's all, breathe.

I Haven't...

I haven't written in a long time.
I feel as if I have no motivation. Nothing pushing me to my fullest potential, to go the extra mile.
I hope that as soon as SATs are over I will slowly rebuild life again.
HELP

Strength

As this year began I felt as if I had no strength.

Sunday I began to feel as I did two months ago. I had my urge, my craving for control.
I didn't do it. I'm proud to say that I had the strength to stay away from what I thought would help.
I didn't do it. I haven't in almost two months, is it okay to be proud for something so little.
Most of the remains have disappeared. I look down and do not see disappointment any longer.
I no longer have to worry about wearing a tank top because I didn't do it.

I feel that I have found my strength again. I am strong. Much stronger than I thought I was.
No blade is more powerful than me. Control will never go beyond myself again.
With my strength I will turn negatives into positives. My strength will lead me, not the pity for myself.

My message : Be strong, everyone has the strength within them, it just takes time to find. I truly believe I've found mine.

Running Out of Things to Say

I feel like I have nothing. I am empty.
Someone give me something to write about.

Winter Wonderland

Formal was last night.
I danced, danced a lot.
Danced with some good friends and had a blast.
I danced with a person whom I've never danced with before.
Dancing with him was exciting and fun.
He's a pretty close friend of mine who I appreciate so much.
I felt connected to him on the dance floor, maybe it was just me.
I think about what it would be if we were more than friends, but at this point I understand that he is not interested. I'd rather maintain a close friendship than not have him at all, but maybe one day.

Locks of Love

I donated 10 inches of my hair yesterday.
It felt empowering, for once I actually felt like a person with meaning.
I stood there facing the salon mirrors, watching the hairdresser slowly cut my hair.
She handed me my pony tail. For some odd reason, holding my hair, knowing that it was going to someone in need, made me feel amazing. I want to feel that more often. What can I do to feel so light and happy?

To the one who will one day have my hair,
I'd like to thank you for giving me the oppurtunity to help someone else. I'd like to thank you for being strong and fighting hard to survive your disease. You need my hair more than I will ever and I am sincerily glad to know that you, a beautiful soul, have fought. Keep fighting.

Peace

My mom went away on a business trip this past week. It was a great week.
Just her being away for such a period time relieve me of half my burdens.

She's back now, I hope it stays peaceful because I really need tranquility.
Here's to a good, successful, and serene year.

Thank you

Thank you for being an amazing friend,
One who listens withought being judgmental.
One who is not afraid to say what he really feels.
One of the smartest, most insightful people I know.

I am so happy to have gotten to know you this year, withought you like i said earlier, I'd be a lost soul. I look forward to being able to have a meaningful conversation with you, knowing that you'll be glad to talk. I can't thank you enough. I hope we stay close for a long time to come.

P.S. Be sure to attend the club meeting.

You'll See

Why shouldn't I?

It is a new semester, a clean slate. You are telling me not to manage the team, why not! It is for me, for my benefit, I want to do it. I want to be a part of my school, contribute to something. Now that I think about it, yes I am capable of getting better grades, but why is that what defines me. I am not my grades, I am better than them, and you know what, I will end up in a fucking good place. Meetings on Wednesday made me realize that if I'm not pushing myself than I'm not trying hard enough. So you know what, I will push my self to be a good student, friend, leader, person, but most importantly I will push myself for you to see what I'm made of. Fuck it if I'm not perfect, I am who I am not changing myself for you.

You'll see.

2 weeks

Two weeks I didn't do it. Two weeks I lasted with hurting myself. I was away, isolated, and happy. I'm back home, its 2011 and the cycle has started over again. The first thing I said to myself this year was that I was going to stop, I was sure of it. But not sure enough. The book I read over break, Its Kind of a Funny Story is playing in my head over and over again. I feel like Craig, worthless, no guy in my life (in his case girl) and the pressure of high school. And to top it off, my mother. G-d I just came back from another world and she's sucked me into her paranoia of everything. In a way, I also feel like Christopher McCandless. Should I leave this shit hole and explore, because that honestly feels like the best thing to do right about now. I'd rather rot in an abandoned bus with a clear mind, than here, in this black hole. I feel like the life is slowly being sucked out of me again..

2 weeks, and all it took was a single sentence from her.