2011.....almost

Its New Years Eve and I feel like shit....
I'm not happy
I'm not in a good mood
I'm not looking forward to a new year

I think I'm scared of new encounters and challenges. I have no assurance of anything. I can't predict another 12th months from today, but as of now I just don't feel like my self.

Well, happy new year I guess.....

Am I Okay

When people as "are you okay?" what does it really mean?
People have been noticing that I haven't looked to happy. Can they really tell.

Right now, this second, this day, this week, no, I am not okay. Thanks for asking.
If you are going to ask how I am feeling and not even try to do anything about it, than save your and my time and just don't ask. I personally don't know how to tell my family that I'm not okay and that I need help. I need it soon but how if my response to them is always, "yeah I'm fine" or "I'm doing well".

I'm far from "okay", and unless you really want to help me, don't ask me the question.
I don't know how or what I'm gonna do but the more I wait, the worse it gets.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. It does in my head. Good Night....I guess

The Poison

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself; I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it."

  - One of the smartest things I have read, I'll try to start living by this.

You Don't Know How I Feel

Do not tell me that I don't care, because deep down inside I do.

I do care, don't tell me that I don't
I do have a fantasy that he'll become what he is labeled, don't tell me otherwise
I do want him to be in my life, don't tell me what you don't know
I do want it to work out, don't tell me there's no point in trying
I do wish he was there for me, don't tell me that he never will be

I do, so don't.
Do not act as if you know, because you never will know or understand.

Maybe he will be there for me someday.....

Stuck Like Glue

Who knew that a grasp of a hand could hurt so much.

This morning, things were a little shaky, leaving everybody in an agitated state of being. I was innocently preparing my breakfast, or should I say piece of toast, as I was abruptly interrupted. My computer, that was playing some Swedish House Mafia to wake me up, was apparently in Ilusha's way. Rather than politely asking me to move it so that he may have room to prepare breakfast, he grabs my computer. Instinctively I reach for it, meanwhile he grabs my arm. It was the most painful feeling, I felt it through my bones. Aside from a strong grip, it was what lied under my sleeve. I thought those etchings gave me control, but I guess that's something out of reach.

1. Put A Smile on my Face

1. Put A Smile on my Face by verusa94 featuring a demi bra

Bona-fide

I had originally started this blog to chronicle my memories, but it has become much more.
This has allowed me to be myself, and feel comfortable sharing my feelings with out feeling judged.
Though I've stripped away from its begining authenticity, I believe that this is the only way I can truly confide in my feelings.

If only everything could be as chrystal clear as a mustache in the snow.

Me, Myself, and I

per·son·al·i·ty - the quality of being a person; existence as a self-conscious human being; personal identity.

What gives me my personal identity? My memories shape me, but what if they are bad memories? Is that how I am personified, bad? I'd like to live up to my name but what does living up to Veronica mean? In Russian my name means faith, but I believe I've lost the true meaning. I want my faith back, I want to have faith in myself again. I know it'll be back, I just don't know when. The pressure from parents doesn't help much either but I'm trying.

All I ask is give myself back to me, give my faith back to me, make me who I am supposed to be, fullfill my destiny.

I want me back.

I'll Bring You Up

I truly am grateful for my friends. I am the type of person who tends to keep some things in because I don't like bringing people down into my sh*t. But one friend, one really amazing friend delightfully asked me to pile sh*t on her. Pretty gross huh? But, pretty brave of her. She is and amazing friend who grows stronger and stronger day by day. She had read what I wrote a few days ago and had just told me she was concerned. I didn't know how else to tell her but blog because I knew she'd read it. I guess I'm an el pollo loco.

"you won't bring me down with you
i'll bring you up with me :)"

Those are her few words that have already begun to put a smile back on my face.
Thank you Rachel, you really are amazing.

Z''L

Freshmen year I didn't understand what was so different about my school. Why couldn't I just go to school with my friends, would it really have made a difference. Day by day I still reminiced, what was so special about this place. Eventually I found out.

Walking up to class in the modules one day, I noticed someone who shined, shined bright. He had this contagious radiant smile and everyone who walked by caught it. It was like magic. He made me realize that this place is like no other. He woul'dve been 18 today, but he still lives on in my heart and in many others.

Adir, though I never knew you well enough, all was known. You were and still are an amazing human being. I hope you're partying up there because we are celebrating down here. Celebrating the amazing person that we wish we could be. Celebrating you're kindness, you're love, and you're care. Rest in Peace Adir, we miss you, I miss you.

Fifty-six

I feel as if I am being buried alive. Buried by school, assignments, and tests. You name it, I'm immersed in it. A 56% on a Math test defines the epitome of "something is wrong here".

By not turning in my work I feel as if I am lying to my parents and teachers, but the reality is, I'm lying to MYSELF. How could I have led myself down a lying path? Why did I never stop and question myself whether what I was doing was wrong. I guess I'm just stubborn. I've admitted the fact but how do I turn myself around?

That's just only one of my problems.... I don't understand how pain is relieving but I guess that's what works for me. Another, how am I supposed to chose between spending time with my dad or doing well in school. Yeah, my dad isn't the best guy in the world and it sure seems like he doesn't care to much about me, but there is something inside of me that says I should spend time with him. School or Dad, is it even possible to make a right decision?

I need a sign, something. I hope you, up there where everything seems perfect, are listening. Please help, because I know I won't be able to get out of this alone.

Running Out of Time

I'm craving some time to hang out with my friends but I don't think its going to happen anytime soon....

School is driving me insane! Every teacher asking for more out of me, I can barely give more to myself. I feel that I'm capable of getting good grades and being that "great" student but why is it not happening for me. Am I doing anything right?
The stress is firing back, its hurting me. I've found a way to control it but not an ideal way. It is the only time that I feel I have power. I make myself feel above all else, but in reality, its just bringing me down a twisting spiral. Will I be able to climb back up? How am I supposed restrain my self from the sense of relief?
All these questions but no answers......I really just wish my life could turn around. I want my memories back again.

El Sur

El sur otherwise known as the south, was probably one of the most memorable experiences in my life.
From the places  seen, to the people met, and the history heard, I had learned so much. Besides learning about the country's past I built different futures. Futures of new friendships, and stronger friendships.

I never would have expected to come close to some people. But I definitley expected that a room full of four nut heads would be the crazy yet so bizzarely wonderfull. Rachel, well, three capitalized letters, ADD. Erica, started off some interesting conversations 8=D, if you know what I mean. Corinne, the vegetarian who had chicken and waffles, without chicken. Sarah, boobs. And lastly me, Somewhere along all these lines. I love these girls to death and I want them to know that they are the reason I wake up in the morning and go to school, they are my motivation. Without them, I'd be nothing. I want to forever thank them for being themselves and being my friends.

Oh, and Graceland should be dubbed, House of Orderly Cheesiness.
Thank you, Thank you very much

Chicken n' Waffles

The annual 11th grade South Trip is tomorrow!!!!!
Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennesee here we come.
Step 1: It took me about 24 hours to pack....but guess what I'm done and it all fit into my small suitcase.
Step 2: It wasn't as easy as you think
Step 3: Stocked up on snacks for the plane ride
Step 4: Getting to the airport on time
Step 5: So many steps......Go through Sahcurityy
Step 6: Wait around and mingle
Step 7: Board the plane
Step 8: Land!!!!!!!
Now that I've gone over the steps I can tell you that once all 120 of us arrive in Atlanta, Georgia our fun will begin. This is going to be a once in a life time experience and I'm so happy I could be a part of it. As the day's go by I'll be sure to let you know how its going. Well South here I come, hope you're expecting me.

Thank God You're Here

All day I was filled with excitement, wanting for the class trip to come sooner. I am walking into AP Art wondering why teachers and students are frantically running out of the campus. Without much consideration for the matter I walk in to class, pull out my new Sharpies and begin a new piece. Suddenly, from word of mouth, I discover that there has been an accident. A student involved. An eleventh grader (causing more and more worry). A black Range Rover. Right then and there I knew it was Ashkan, the thoughts running through my mind could only bring me back to the memories of Adir. Not another loss, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I didn't know what to do with myself, I ran out of the room crying my way to the rest room. Was he okay? Who's fault was it? Would I ever see him again? Seconds later a few friends burst in, in an attempt to calm me down. He was okay, alive, I hadn't lost a friend. Finnaly relaxed, I was glad to know that I would be spending my next week in the South without missing pieces to the puzzle. I'm ready to make memories, never ready to let them go.

Sushi!!!!

What better way then to share time with family over a spicy tuna hand roll and some yellowtail?
Iroha Sushi of Tokyo in Studio City is the way to go....
Get there ASAP and start making some memories!

ありがとう

Come Outside, It's a Surprise

Being a teenager I am prone to over dramatization of not being able to go to a party. I get a text at 9:42 p.m. from a friend saying come outside we are going to the party. I frantically run up to my grandma begging her to let me go, but she sides with my mom, "I can only let you go if mom says yes," she says in her Russian accent. My hopes suddenly macerated, there was no chance of me being able to leave. I reply to my friend letting him know that I would not be able to go with him, but with an optimistic reply he says come outside. He showed up anyways. I promenade out to the front of my building, there he his with another friend of mine. Ori, sporting a new pair of glasses and Adam whose Mustang says it all. We talked, made jokes, and talked some more. I scanned my watch to check the time and almost an hour has gone by. We were able to talk all night without attentiveness to how much time has gone by, what I cherish the most in my friendships. Though I wasn't able to party it up in Tarzana, I had a splendid time talking it out in Studio City.

Mustache in the Snow

You may be wondering "what weirdo calls their blog Mustache in the Snow?"...Well this weirdo does. Sitting in my room, staring at my snowglobe collection, I found my self pondering upon my memories, suddenly I am overcome with fear. Why you may ask, I now worry that I may not be able to remember the memories I have made. Every one of my 63 and counting snowglobes have been purchased either by a friend or family member making their memories or myself adding onto my collection of memories. My most recent globe, a Mustache, compelling due to its ambiguous nature. It was given to me by 2 of my bestfriends for my birthday. A mustache to represent our bizzare and amusing humor, a symbol of friendship that I want to remember for years to come. So with this Mustache in the Snow I begin to chronicle my memories and experiences, here goes.