2011.....almost

Its New Years Eve and I feel like shit....
I'm not happy
I'm not in a good mood
I'm not looking forward to a new year

I think I'm scared of new encounters and challenges. I have no assurance of anything. I can't predict another 12th months from today, but as of now I just don't feel like my self.

Well, happy new year I guess.....

Am I Okay

When people as "are you okay?" what does it really mean?
People have been noticing that I haven't looked to happy. Can they really tell.

Right now, this second, this day, this week, no, I am not okay. Thanks for asking.
If you are going to ask how I am feeling and not even try to do anything about it, than save your and my time and just don't ask. I personally don't know how to tell my family that I'm not okay and that I need help. I need it soon but how if my response to them is always, "yeah I'm fine" or "I'm doing well".

I'm far from "okay", and unless you really want to help me, don't ask me the question.
I don't know how or what I'm gonna do but the more I wait, the worse it gets.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. It does in my head. Good Night....I guess

The Poison

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself; I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it."

  - One of the smartest things I have read, I'll try to start living by this.

You Don't Know How I Feel

Do not tell me that I don't care, because deep down inside I do.

I do care, don't tell me that I don't
I do have a fantasy that he'll become what he is labeled, don't tell me otherwise
I do want him to be in my life, don't tell me what you don't know
I do want it to work out, don't tell me there's no point in trying
I do wish he was there for me, don't tell me that he never will be

I do, so don't.
Do not act as if you know, because you never will know or understand.

Maybe he will be there for me someday.....

Stuck Like Glue

Who knew that a grasp of a hand could hurt so much.

This morning, things were a little shaky, leaving everybody in an agitated state of being. I was innocently preparing my breakfast, or should I say piece of toast, as I was abruptly interrupted. My computer, that was playing some Swedish House Mafia to wake me up, was apparently in Ilusha's way. Rather than politely asking me to move it so that he may have room to prepare breakfast, he grabs my computer. Instinctively I reach for it, meanwhile he grabs my arm. It was the most painful feeling, I felt it through my bones. Aside from a strong grip, it was what lied under my sleeve. I thought those etchings gave me control, but I guess that's something out of reach.

1. Put A Smile on my Face

1. Put A Smile on my Face by verusa94 featuring a demi bra

Bona-fide

I had originally started this blog to chronicle my memories, but it has become much more.
This has allowed me to be myself, and feel comfortable sharing my feelings with out feeling judged.
Though I've stripped away from its begining authenticity, I believe that this is the only way I can truly confide in my feelings.

If only everything could be as chrystal clear as a mustache in the snow.

Me, Myself, and I

per·son·al·i·ty - the quality of being a person; existence as a self-conscious human being; personal identity.

What gives me my personal identity? My memories shape me, but what if they are bad memories? Is that how I am personified, bad? I'd like to live up to my name but what does living up to Veronica mean? In Russian my name means faith, but I believe I've lost the true meaning. I want my faith back, I want to have faith in myself again. I know it'll be back, I just don't know when. The pressure from parents doesn't help much either but I'm trying.

All I ask is give myself back to me, give my faith back to me, make me who I am supposed to be, fullfill my destiny.

I want me back.

I'll Bring You Up

I truly am grateful for my friends. I am the type of person who tends to keep some things in because I don't like bringing people down into my sh*t. But one friend, one really amazing friend delightfully asked me to pile sh*t on her. Pretty gross huh? But, pretty brave of her. She is and amazing friend who grows stronger and stronger day by day. She had read what I wrote a few days ago and had just told me she was concerned. I didn't know how else to tell her but blog because I knew she'd read it. I guess I'm an el pollo loco.

"you won't bring me down with you
i'll bring you up with me :)"

Those are her few words that have already begun to put a smile back on my face.
Thank you Rachel, you really are amazing.

Z''L

Freshmen year I didn't understand what was so different about my school. Why couldn't I just go to school with my friends, would it really have made a difference. Day by day I still reminiced, what was so special about this place. Eventually I found out.

Walking up to class in the modules one day, I noticed someone who shined, shined bright. He had this contagious radiant smile and everyone who walked by caught it. It was like magic. He made me realize that this place is like no other. He woul'dve been 18 today, but he still lives on in my heart and in many others.

Adir, though I never knew you well enough, all was known. You were and still are an amazing human being. I hope you're partying up there because we are celebrating down here. Celebrating the amazing person that we wish we could be. Celebrating you're kindness, you're love, and you're care. Rest in Peace Adir, we miss you, I miss you.

Fifty-six

I feel as if I am being buried alive. Buried by school, assignments, and tests. You name it, I'm immersed in it. A 56% on a Math test defines the epitome of "something is wrong here".

By not turning in my work I feel as if I am lying to my parents and teachers, but the reality is, I'm lying to MYSELF. How could I have led myself down a lying path? Why did I never stop and question myself whether what I was doing was wrong. I guess I'm just stubborn. I've admitted the fact but how do I turn myself around?

That's just only one of my problems.... I don't understand how pain is relieving but I guess that's what works for me. Another, how am I supposed to chose between spending time with my dad or doing well in school. Yeah, my dad isn't the best guy in the world and it sure seems like he doesn't care to much about me, but there is something inside of me that says I should spend time with him. School or Dad, is it even possible to make a right decision?

I need a sign, something. I hope you, up there where everything seems perfect, are listening. Please help, because I know I won't be able to get out of this alone.